4 Weeks

 I would have been 26 and a half weeks pregnant today. It has been 4 weeks today since sweet Olivia entered and exited this world. Each day brings different emotions and feelings for Russ and I. Some days are good and some are bad but more are good than bad. Which is what should happen according to Dr. Bean. He told me as long as I am having more good days than bad I am okay. Last Friday was my postpartum checkup. Most women wait 6 weeks but since Olivia wasn't full term and was so tiny I didn't have to wait so long. Just driving to the his office, which is right next to the hospital, caused me serious anxiety. I have to say since Olivia's passing I have had some anxiety issues. Every time I leave my house I check the stove, the candles, the curling iron and almost unplug everything in fear that our home with burn down and I will lose any tangible memories I have of her. I think it might be a touch of post traumatic stress and from what the facebook support group says it is part of normal grieving. But like I have said before I really don't believe in "normal" grieving. After I checked in at the front desk and sat next to all the pregnant women it was finally my turn. I walked right past the ultrasound room door where our lives' changed forever. I almost felt sick. The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure then took me into the exam room where she had me undress. I waited for probably 30 minutes for Dr. Bean, which I wasn't upset about, it gave me time to reflect and accept where I was. When he came in I gave him cookies I made and a card. How do you thank someone for not only delivering your angel baby but being so tender in the process? This was the best way I could think of. He told me he wasn't going to check me as long as my pain and bleeding were under control, which they were. He asked how Russ and I were. And told me he was so impressed with our demeanor especially since my labor went so long. He asked if I was LDS then he started talking about spiritual things with me. He has home taught a man for the past 6 years who was driving when he was in an accident and two of his children died. He visited the man just the week before because it was the anniversary of the accident. The man told Dr. Bean that it was a hard week for him but he hopes that feeling never goes away because he never wants to forget. Dr. Bean told me you will feel sad sometimes and as long as you are more happy than sad it is okay but I hope that never completely goes away. I agree and understand. He doesn't mean he hopes I am sad for the rest of my life. He hopes that I will never forget the tender, precious emotions I feel that have brought me so much closer to my Savior and built my testimony. I hope I never forgot how close to Heaven we felt in that hospital room or the angels we felt and continue to feel surrounding us. He also spoke of Mosiah 15 where it talks about how Jesus saw the face of each person during the atonement and how individualized it is. He said I do not intend to turn this into a church sermon but he spoke of the three things Jesus did for us. 1. The Atonement was for our souls. 2. The Resurrection was for our bodies. and the 3. Suffering was for our sins. I imagine him looking me in the eye and feeling my exact pain of losing Olivia. Erin, my sister in law's sister, visited with me and said something to the effect of even though she lost a child, she didn't lose Olivia. No one knows exactly what it is like for me to lose Olivia just like I don't know exactly what it is like for any other mother or father who lost a child but I know Christ knows what it feels like for Misty to lose Olivia. I am so grateful for that knowledge. Although I rarely feel completely alone in this process, when I do, I know Jesus knows and I am not alone. After we talked about this he talked to me about taking my folic acid and wrote me prescriptions for that that and birth control. He told me to wait at least 6 months before we attempt to conceive again, which we already knew. This is another one of the hard things for us to bear. Bryce will be almost 4, assuming everything works out perfectly, before he has a sibling. He loves to play with other kids and it breaks my heart thinking he won't have a sibling for so long. Dr. Bean said this is what is going to happen. You are going to get pregnant and you are going to be worried and stressed. Come in and I will do as many ultrasounds as you'd like to help you feel better. I can't even let my mind go to that place yet because I know I am going to be so worried. We plan to go to the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor at 12 weeks because he could tell us if there is a neural tube defect at that point in the pregnancy but this is a long ways off and I'm not ready to think about that yet. I left the office knowing I could go back to the office and already had and with a tiny piece of mind that I had someone with a little power on my side. Through this process I have learned I have little control over my life which I still haven't accepted. I can't say I am thankful for this trail yet and I may never be able to but I am grateful for all that has come from it. I'm still not ready to hold other people's babies or even look them in the eye sometimes but that doesn't mean I won't be able to. Erin put it perfectly "I do want other people to be happy [and have their babies] but I want mine too." I know I will get it someday, in this life or the next and time will dull the pain. Russ and I finally went to the temple Wednesday. I was hoping to feel her spirit there. I haven't really felt her or have been sensitive enough to since the funeral home or funeral and I wanted that so badly. As we sat next to one another we talked about her. I asked Russ if he thought she was sad seeing us sad. He said she probably doesn't know how to be sad because she is a perfect being who has never been sad. He also asked me, "do you think when we get to heaven we will come through the veil and they will hand us a precious baby?" I sure hope so. I can't wait to kiss her perfect little head and tell her how long I've waited to hold her. Without the knowledge of eternal families this, as any other loss, would be incomprehensible. Yesterday was the second worst days since the funeral. Between being overbooked at work, patient's being late, and seeing a 17 year old pregnant girl I was on the verge of tears all day. I know the Lord is watching over me though because yesterday I was able to pick up the cd of all of Olivia's pictures from my friend who took them and my other sweet friend left my favorite drink on my doorstep. I cried as I attempted to thank her for the pictures. I wasn't able to say all I wanted and I know even in writing her a card I can never express in anyway how thankful I am for the person she is to me, the amazing and touching photos she took or let her know exactly how much each photos means. What a tender mercy it was to view each of them with Russ. I love each picture so much and may never have a favorite. I want to wallpaper my walls with all of them. Russ hasn't been overly emotional since the funeral but he broke down in tears as we looked at the pictures of our baby girl. I am not happy he was sad but I am happy he showed emotion and let himself feel. I am so grateful for him and that he I get him by my side for eternity.