Sunday after she was born we decided to go to church despite having previously making up my mind that I wouldn't go the Sunday after Olivia was born. As I got ready I couldn't remember why I had decided not to go but once I got there I remembered. Everyone gave us "the look". I am sure we will get this look for a long time from people. It's the I don't know what to say to you and very sad look. We only stayed for sacrament meeting. Russ and I shed a few tears as a baby was blessed. Tears of joy that Olivia had a baby blessing and sad that we would never have the same experience as many other parents will. We had many people visit us from the ward after church. We got treats and flowers. My Nana, Papa, Aunt Judy, Cousin Julie and her 3 kids arrived from New Mexico.
Sunday night my milk started to come in and by Monday it was very painful. Monday we took the kids to the new aquarium in Draper and had lunch. It sounds crazy to me that I had a baby Friday and was at the aquarium Monday but I was doing my best to stay busy and distracted. Monday afternoon my brother was so sweet to me and took me to print the programs, pick up the flowers (he and Lauren arranged and paid for the spray for the casket), pick out and purchase the balloons (he also bought) and to several stores to get a frame for the picture for the service. Monday afternoon Russ and I went to the funeral home to take Olivia's blankets and pay them. We used Anderson & Sons Mortuary in American Fork. In the death of an infant they provide all their services for free and we only had to purchase her casket. He took us down into the basement room where they have chairs, a fireplace and closets where they keep the caskets you can pick. He talked to us a little bit and asked if we wanted to see her. I had been dreading this moment because I did want to see her but I really didn't at the same time. Russ was so excited to see her but I couldn't help but think that she would look different and I didn't want that to be my memory of her. We said yes and they brought her in. She did look completely different. This was the hardest moment of the entire process for me. This is when I knew for sure my Olivia was gone and she was not coming back. We held her and cried and cried. Looking back I am glad I saw her because I wrapped her in an identical blanket I took to the hospital for her, put a blanket under her Russ' mom crotcheted, put a baby doll we bought her and 2 family pictures in with her. She looked so cozy in her bed. I am glad that is the memory I will take from that day. After we left there Russ and I went and sat in the parking lot of the Mount Timpanogos Temple parking lot and talked about our baby girl.
Tuesday was the most painful day with my milk coming in. I got so many hugs and people wanted to give me nice tight hugs after the service. Wednesday I was very sore in my back and lower abdomen. I realized I had probably been over doing it. I had been lifting Bryce and doing everything I would normally do. I think I did this because it made me feel less like I just had a baby. It is difficult for me to go through the physical part because it only reminds me that I am getting milk for a baby I don't have and I am sore from having a baby I cannot hold.
Friday night Russ and I went to a movie while my mom took Bryce and slept at Tanner's so we could have a night alone and sleep in. I cried to whole way to and from the theater. I think it is because we were finally alone and that is when I feel it most. Not when I am alone but when I am alone with Russ because I can let go and feel my feelings. There is a new dimension of love I feel for Russ. I can't be close enough to him. I just want to sit close, hold his hand and have him hold me while I sleep. I apologized for crying all night and he said I never need to apologize for that. I am so relieved and happy to have him during this time. I know that without him I couldn't do this.
So many friends have offered to take Bryce so I can have a break or rest but I don't want him to go anywhere. I know that without him I probably wouldn't get out of bed in the morning and I would have difficulty going on. I can't imagine losing your first child. Losing a child is a terrible pain but having Bryce give me a reason and a purpose and still allows me to be a mother.
We have received so many beautiful flowers I thought I'd share them here. Some have been thrown away but these are whats left.
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