We Got an Angel Instead

Here is baby Olivia's birth story:
Wednesday night we took Bryce to my friend Gabe's house to sleep. Her little boy, Jace, and Bryce are best buds and she offered to watch him while we went to the hospital Thursday morning. My parents also arrived from New Mexico on Wednesday night. Neither Russ or I slept well that night. We had to be at the hospital at 7 am and I planned to get up at 5:50 am. I woke up at 2 and thought it was time to get up but after looking at my clock I went back to sleep until 5 and couldn't sleep after that. We got ready and let my house around 7 am. I figured it wouldn't matter if we were a few minutes late because no one would get mad at me today. We quickly at McDonald's breakfast and said a prayer on the ride to the hospital. I was so nervous for a million different reasons. Although we got as much information from Dr. Bean the day before as possible there is still so much unknown. How long will this take? What will she look like? Does being induced feel the same as if you're not? When Bryce was born my water broke and I went into labor on my own so I had no idea how induction felt or worked. My parents drove separate but came to the hospital at the same time we did. I told everyone else in both families that we went in at 7 and expected labor to take 6 hours or 8-12 hours. (we were told different things by nurses and the doctor) I didn't know when they should all come but we were told it would go very slow then she would come very quickly and I didn't want anyone to miss her birth. We had no idea if we would have any time at all with her alive and I wanted to share those precious moments with our families if I could. When we got to the labor and delivery floor Russ' sweet brother Tyler was waiting on a bench with his camera by his side. We went in. Russ and I went back to the delivery room while they waited out in the waiting room. We were blessed to have the sweetest nurse, Mary Ellen. I was given a hospital gown and she gave us a run down of how things were going to get started. I changed and got my IV. My blood was drawn for something. I am sure they told me but I can't remember. They took a health history and asked me a million questions. (from here I kept notes on my phone because I knew I would forget and I didn't want to forget anything) Once this was done I was given 2 cytotec pills to swallow at 9:07 am. Initially we thought these would be a vaginal suppository but the nurse said they work better if swallowed.  The nurse checked me and I was not dilated at all and I was not effaced at all. She said if this dose didn't work I would get a second dose in 6 hours at 3 pm. She said usually the first dose gets you started and the second dose usually dose the trick. They monitored my contractions and we opted to have Olivia's heart monitored as well. The nurse set up an extra room for our families to use. It was another delivery room so they wouldn't have to wait in the waiting room. By 9:30 I was feeling a pain in my lower right back. I later realized this was back contractions. I was in a reasonable amount of pain and at this point I thought I would be done in about 6 hours or 12 hours at the most so I couldn't decide if I should get an epidural. I decided not to and got fentanyl instead. This is a pain medication and made me very dizzy and feel out of it. The social worker came in next. He talked to us about grief and gave us information. He also told us about gifts that people had donated to families that lost babies. The first was a boy who did his eagle scout project and raised money to purchase 150 build a bears to give to siblings. The second was a woman who wrote a book about her experience and donated copies to families going through a similar situation. The third was a sweet card and two passes to Thanksgiving Point Garden where she found peace after losing her child. A fourth person brought gifts on Friday that was a poem and paint and a page for hand and foot prints. We had no idea that this community of amazing people existed. We are so blessed by these people we don't know and will probably never know. Without skipping a beat Russ told the social worker we would like to do something like this and asked how we could be a part of this. We took the heart monitor off Olivia around 10. She kept moving around and we kept losing her heartbeat.  At 11:55 am I was back pain and contractions but I didn't want anymore of the pain medication and wasn't ready for an epidural. Both of our families were there. All of them. It was amazing to have them all there. They would come in and out and back and forth between the extra room. They would give us space when the nurse would come in to check me or if we needed to talk to her. By 2:45 my contractions were 1-2 minutes apart and I thought for sure she would be coming soon. 3:30 nothing was happening. I got a second dose of cytotec that I swallowed and we continued to wait. My contractions slowed down and were almost nonexistent at this point. Around 6 Mary Ellen left and Jessica became our nurse. Mary Ellen said I hope I wont see you tomorrow but I come back at 6:30 am. At this point I asked if I would be staying the night because she will likely come late and it'll be too late to go home. They said yes and she will probably come in the middle of the night. 6:30 pm we check Olivia's heartbeat and it was still beating strong. My contractions come back. She said they won't check me again until 9 since that would be 6 more hours after the cytotec. Dr. Bean came and checked on me. I told him I was getting discouraged and he said don't worry this will take less time than when you delivered your first baby. He was wrong! We were already almost to that amount of time. He had to go to another hospital but he assured me he would be back. The nurse told me if I feel any pressure that means Olivia is coming. She may come so quickly the nurse might not even make it in. I was a little nervous at this point. We planned to have our friend, Audrey, come and take pictures for us but I was worried she wouldn't make it. I even had a dream the night before that I didn't get any pictures. I dreamt I woke up after it was all done and I never saw my baby, I tried to walk down the hall and fainted. I guess that was more a nightmare than a dream. 9 pm 3rd dose of cytotec vaginally this time. I wasn't in a lot of pain but I had some contractions here and there. I was thinking we were getting close so the nurse told me that if I planned to get an epidural I should get it then because she would hate for Olivia to come too quickly that I missed my chance to get one. 9:45 the nurse anesthetist gives me my epidural. Lauren watched. I was so nervous to get an epidural. First of all I didn't feel like I really needed it because I wasn't in a lot of pain and I was nervous to actually have a huge needle shoved into my spine.  It was fine. My right side got numb immediately my left leg not so much. It got warm and tingly for a while. I got my catheter and was tied to the bed from then on. That was another reason I didn't want to get the epidural was because I had not idea how much longer I would be in that bed and I didn't want to be tied to it.  I had the nurses checking me at any sign of any pressure or any feeling. I didn't want to miss the signs. I didn't want the nurse to miss it and I didn't want my photographer to miss it. 10:45 pm I was dilated to 1cm and a wiggle. We waited. Russ' grandparents had gone home earlier in the evening with Dustin and Lydia. At this point we told everyone they could go back to our house and get some rest since it was fairly close. Russ' parents and Kristin came to our house to get some rest. The rest of the family went to get some sleep in the other room. Russ and I both fell asleep at probably 11:10 ish. 12:30 am I woke up and felt something.  I had the nurse check and she said it felt totally different. She had a second nurse check and they decided it was time. We called Russ' parents to come back to the hospital and Audrey to come take pictures. My brother and Lauren picked Bryce up and brought him to the hospital. I was so nervous. Dr. Bean got there. He got all suited up and they had all their sterile instruments set up and ready. Dr. Bean check and said we had a while to got. I was so let down at this point. He told Audrey to go home and sleep which meant it was going to be a long while. Although I was disappointed I was happy that Audrey got to the hospital in 10 minutes and Russ' parents got there in 15. This gave me hope that when she really arrived everyone would make it. 12:45 Dr. Bean broke up more cytotec because he pulled out the other dose when he checked me. This was my 4th dose.

 Russ' parents went back to my house along with Tyler and Kristin and Bryce. Nicole and Sara stayed in my room talking. My mom, dad, Tanner and Lauren when to try to get some sleep. I thought it was strange that my mom wanted to go get some sleep. She had been right by my side all day. She later told me that she was having doubts and was struggling at that time. She was worried because she thought it shouldn't be taking this long. I got a new nurse, Sarah.2:20 am1 cm and 80-90% thinned out.  Nicole and Sara stayed talking with me until 3:30 am. Russ was asleep on the couch and talked with us a little bit. We talked about the circumstances and I gave them a little more of the whole story. We talked about how I told Nicole the day before we found out that all I wanted was to hear the doctor say we were having a healthy baby and didn't care if it was a boy or girl. We talked about Sara's sister who lost her baby boy a few years ago. Sara didn't know what to do because she had to be home at 7 so Chad could go to work and she could stay with the kids but she worried as soon as she left Olivia would be born. She decided to go home at 3:30. Nicole stayed talking with me until 5 am. I got so tired I told her I need to close my eyes. She stayed at the hospital for a while I think then went to her parents when she thought they might be awake. I got a little sleep. It wasn't good sleep. The nurse checked on me every hour and I couldn't move my right leg because of the epidural. They also had me laying on a rolled up pillow with my left side down in hopes that would make the epidural work on my left side. Needless to say I was very uncomfortable. I woke up around 6:30 am and watched the clock. I knew my next dose of cytotec or whatever they would do next would be at 6:45 am. I waited and Mary Ellen came back in at 7 am. I was so happy to see her. She made it a point to know everyones names and made our wishes known to everyone in the hospital. She made me feel more at ease just knowing I'd have her for the next 12 hours, or so I thought. 7 am 5th dose of cytotec vaginally, 1 cm dilated, 80% effaced and she felt Olivia's hand moving. This was such a tender mercy for me. Labor was taking forever and I didn't know if our baby girl would make it through. Everything we read said the longer labor take the less likely you will have a living baby. I wrote in my notes then "our baby is strong!" 9 am left side was still not getting numb. The nurse anesthetist came in and pulled the catheter out a bit but that didn't work. When she introduced herself it clicked in my mind I knew her. I had cleaned her teeth 3 weeks prior in my office. She decided the epidural had to be redone. My left leg went numb quickly and I couldn't move my legs at all. 9:50 am dilated to 2 cm. We laughed because my mom walked by and knocked my leg off the bed and I couldn't move it back on.  Mary Ellen got sent home because they were very slow and had too many nurses working. I was so sad to see her go. She brought us a card with her phone number and said she would like to come to the services. We had told her the day before when we checked in about our plans to bury Olivia. She said she was so happy we planned to do that because some families are in shock when this happens and they don't have a service and don't bury them and they later regret it. She said it is helpful in the grieving process to have a place to go. Pam was my new nurse. She was amazing too. She talked with us a lot. I was each of these nurses only patient during their shifts, which was so nice because they didn't mind checking me every hour and didn't mind answering our 100 questions or just sitting there talking to me or my family. Kim and Kirk brought Bryce to the hospital around 10. Lauren came and helped me fix my hair and makeup. 10:50 am dilated to a "good" 2cm. 11:50 dilated to 2cm and she could still feel Olivia moving. She told me my water could break anytime. The cafeteria is only open from 12-1 or 1:30 so at 12:30 I told everyone to go get something to eat. I was all alone and was going to get some rest. The nurse walked in as soon as they all left and said we are starting pitocin. I red on the computer where she keeps her notes "Dr. Bean said to start very high dose of pitocin and increase every half hour" I asked her if she had any idea how long. I felt like a child in the car asking are we there yet every five minutes. She said I will not make any guarantees but I would say she will likely be born in the next 2 hours. I text my family and Russ and his family what she said. None of the people that were down in the cafeteria responded. I waited a few minutes and called Russ. He didn't answer. I called my mom but I realized she left her phone in the room with me. I called Lauren and she answered. I told her what the nurse said and told her to tell Russ he could eat but to come back very quickly. My mom and Russ came back at about 1pm and I had my mom clean the room. I had her take everyone's things to the extra room we had. They were making fun of me but I think I knew she was coming soon. About 1:10 pm everyone had made it back into my room and we were waiting. I was feeling some pretty strong pains with pressure despite having the epidural. I knew the nurse would be back in at 1:30 to check me but I couldn't wait. I called and she came in at 1:20 pm and she said Olivia had moved down into my vagina and would be here any second. I text Audrey, then I called her. I don't know what I said except come right now. Kim told all the family that was there and called the rest of them. This was it. Our baby girl would arrive soon. Very soon. The nurse said we couldn't really wait because the longer she stayed in there the less chance she would be alive. She checked my epidural and the reservoir had run out. I think that means there was no new medication going into the catheter and she said there was no time to refill it. 1:30 pm Dr. Bean made it there very quickly. His shift ended at 7 am but he stayed at the office next to the hospital and came over for my delivery. When he got there he said his brother invited him skiing but he told him he had more important things to do that day. Dr. Bean got all suited up again. He said she was in the sack. I pushed 4-5 times. I honestly gave half hearted pushes because I don't think I was ready for that moment. She was born. 1:37 pm our baby girl arrived. I don't remember feeling the pain. The nurse put up a towel because Dr. Bean had to break open the sack she was in and they said it would splash. They checked and she had a heartbeat. What a relief and a blessing. We prayed so hard we would get to have her alive. He got her out and placed Olivia on my belly. I sobbed, Russ sobbed, my mom sobbed. She was so tiny. Tinier than I thought. We already knew she didn't have a complete skull and her eyes were a little bulged all due to the anencephaly. She was so beautiful though. She was so perfect. I cried because I knew I wouldn't have much time with her. Audrey arrived and started taking pictures. Russ' cut the umbilical cord then needed to sit down because he felt sick. I brought her a very soft, tiny, pink blanket. We wrapped her in it and I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time. My emotions were all over the place. I hadn't eaten or slept for almost 30 hours. I cried and was sad but Russ and I were both so happy she was here. We finally got to meet this special girl. We didn't spend much time alone with her before we let the family in. Again we knew our time was limited. I held her. Everyone came to see her. Russ held her too. I was so surprised that when the family came in everyone was there. All those who went home had made it back to meet our sweet baby. Russ, Kirk and Tyler blessed her. This was so amazing. I have never felt the spirit so strong as I did in that room during that blessing. I am pretty sure there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Russ blessed her. He said: she was a blessing to her whole family, she is loved by her big brother and her mom and dad, blessed her to return to her Heavenly Father and continue her work on the other side, and that she will watch over us. I am so blessed to have Russ and I am so grateful he was able to bless our baby girl.

She had a smile on her face. I know this sounds crazy and might sound like wishful thinking but the left side of her perfect mouth was turned up in a smile. I know she couldn't see me but her eyes were always fixed on me. No matter where I moved her to take a picture she looked at me. I could see the light in her eyes. I could see her sweet, precious spirit shinning through. We felt so much peace. I know she was there with us but I know there were angels in that room comforting us. My favorite scripture is John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you" the was so true at that moment in that hospital room. The angel watch ladies told us they felt like they were in the temple when they were with families in similar situations and I completely understand what they meant now. We let everyone hold our baby girl. Everyone got their picture taken to remember her. It was so beautiful to see everyone's face as they held her. They each was so happy yet sad. The nurse continued to check her heartbeat. She was such a strong girl! She wanted to stay with us and we of course treasured each minute. Russ and I could feel her tiny heart beating. We both would smile as we felt it. We knew we could keep her just a bit longer. Heather from Angel Watch brought her white dress. It was perfect. We put it on her and took a few pictures of her all dressed up. We kept a hat on her the entire time. Russ and I saw her without her hat but I wanted the family to see her with her hat. This was very important to me because I wanted everyone to remember her sweet spirit. You can't control what your mind remembers and I didn't want everyone to remember her anencephaly. She was beautiful and everyone saw that. The nurse told me I needed to eat and go to the bathroom. I think some people stepped out for a few minutes. I got changed and ate. Each of our moms held her and both felt her move. They were so happy holding their grand daughter. The nurse checked her heartbeat and they said it was getting faint. I took Olivia back and held her. At 4:51 pm sweet Olivia slipped back into eternity. I know that Heavenly Father welcomed her. I know that her siblings to come were there and that family member that went before welcomed her home. Olivia didn't need to go through the trails we all go through. She didn't need the whole earthly experience. She is a very special spirit and only needed a body. She got her body and blessed us all in the process. Maybe her trial was to come and go so quickly and to see her family mourn her. I laid down beside her and sobbed. I held her and snuggled her. This was one of the hardest times for me. There were more to come but this was one of the moments I realized my baby had died. I have no idea how long I laid there. After I let her go Russ held her. There is such a difference between a body with a spirit and a body without. I could tell she was no longer looking at me. Her eyes looked different. They physically looked different, more red but the light was gone. I knew her spirit was no longer in her body. Kirk gave a family prayer of comfort before people started leaving. Most of the family had left. My mom took Bryce home because he was exhausted and needed to go to bed. Olivia was weighed. 9.4 oz 8 inches long. Everyone left except Kim and Kirk. Heather helped us make hand and foot prints. She helped us make molds of her hands and feet. She took pictures. Kim and Kirk left. Angel watch left. We got a new nurse. Russ called the funeral home, Anderson in American Fork to come pick Olivia up. I also got a paper to fill our her birth certificate. I was so happy she had a birth certificate. This may sound completely silly but to me it made it more real. She was here. She was born and born alive. We held her and Alec from the funeral home got there quickly (7:15pm). Olivia wore a pink night gown from Angel Watch and a white hat with a purple bow. We kept her white dress and bonnet and her pink crotchet blanket. All of the tiny clothing is hand made by a 80 year old woman who donates them to Angel Watch. We knew Olivia's spirit was no longer in her body and I was delirious at this point. I was so exhausted both physically and emotionally. I think this was a blessing because it made it easier to hand her over to Alec. I can still see his back as he walked out of that room but I knew she would be okay. Before he left we made plans to have the service Tuesday at 11 am. Russ and I ate dinner at the hospital and then the nurse helped us pack up all our things and walked us out of the hospital. This was so hard. We left without our baby. We left with nothing but things to remember her by. I had her blankets and her hand prints but I wanted her. We picked up my prescriptions on the way home and I was home in bed by 8:30 pm. I took my pain medication and an ambien and I fell asleep. I had no idea Bryce was crying and Russ let him sleep with us. I woke up at 5 am as Russ took Bryce back to his room. This is when it hit me. My baby girl was gone. She was no longer in my belly. She was gone. I sobbed and Russ held me. Despite knowing I will have her again I want her know. This repeats every night and every morning. I wake up and realize this is all real and every night I want nothing more than to hold Olivia. I hold her blanket and wish so much it was her. These are the times the pain is immeasurable. The hurt goes so deep that I see no end in sight. I know time will dull the ache and I know this was the plan for me but right now it feels impossible. Russ and I both go through out the day mostly fine and I am so grateful for the prayers in our behalf because I know that peace comes from there. We are so blessed. Although my labor went so long. So much longer than any of us expected I know it had to be that way. If my contractions would have been very close together or very strong Olivia would not have got the oxygen she needed to survive birth and spend as much time as she did with us. I am so thankful for those moments. The pictures I have sooth my heart and help me remember each moment. Audrey did an amazing job and her photos are one thing I can never repay her for. Each photo is priceless and so precious. I know I will never forget her perfect little mouth and her tiny nose that looked just like Bryce's.

Saturday Russ took Bryce to the BYU spring scrimmage. I was fine and I know our little BYU fan would love it. As I laid in bed my mom came and talked with me. She told me about how she was struggling Thursday night when labor was taking so long but she said Friday night when they came home and she took a moment to go take a shower and during those few minutes alone she felt so much peace. She knew that the miracle was holding Olivia for those few moments not that she would miraculously be healed. She knew we had our miracle. She said that she noticed my faith never faltered. I was so happy to hear that she felt her own personal peace. I think each member of our family will have to feel that on their own and they will. Tanner and Lauren came in and talked with us too. We talked about how perfect she was and how everything happened just the way it was supposed to.

We have been completely overwhelmed with love from family, friends, neighbors and strangers from our ward. We have so many flowers, cards and treats. I never knew we were so loved. It is amazing to know you are not alone. The Lord is blessing us through all of these people and we are so grateful.