This was our first year attending the Walk of Remembrance sponsored by Common Bonds & Utah Valley Healthcare Foundation. It isn't really a walk at all. Russ and I asked Heather if we needed to wear our running shoes but she said no. It was a beautiful ceremony run by Heather, our Angel Watch angel. They had muffins, fruit and juice for everyone. We each wrote our baby's name on a roll and each name was read followed by a moment of silence to honor each child. It was so heartbreaking to see how many people were there. It was only parents and siblings of the children and the entire pavilion was overflowing. From what Russ and I noticed, and experienced, people didn't really talk to each other. They stuck to their own. What would you say to someone you meet there? How did your baby die? I saw a woman around 50 years old holding a balloon that she wrote her child's name and I miss you every day. It made me wonder if that would be me in 20+ years. Heather read a speech she prepared and she posted it on her blog and I want to copy a portion of it here.
"I don’t want this to be about me, but I feel
like I would be remiss if I did not thank all here who have sent prayers heaven
ward in this past year for my family. I
have felt and seen the power of prayer.
I know that it is real and I want all of you to know that we have been
carried by your prayers.
Over this
past year I have had the opportunity to reflect on and reconfirm my
understanding of grief. I wanted to
share a few things that I know and some thoughts that I have had.
First, grieving
women are certifiable. I can’t speak for
men, because I am not one, but I know that hormones, emotions and grief are a
volatile cocktail to be reckoned with, and it makes us literally a little
crazy. I think that if we can
understand this fact, we will be kinder to ourselves and to those around us. We need to reevaluate our expectations of
what we can and cannot do while we are in the throws of grief. Sometimes you just have to survive, and
that’s OK.
Second, there
are no words. There is nothing that
anyone can say that will ever take away the sting of losing a child. Period.
What goes along with this, however, is that people are going to try and
say words. Why do they try, usually
because they love us and they want to help.
If we accept this, the words will not offend us so much. I do know that our own words to ourselves can
help. I am a big believer in “self
talk”. I believe what you say to
yourself is what you become. I know that
if we speak kind words to those around us and especially to ourselves it can
empower us to become a much better
person, more prepared for heaven .
Third,
everyone grieves differently. There is
no manual, no step by step, no way around.
We all must walk through the grief, and we all do it in our own unique
way, and that is OK.
Fourth,
grief is physical. There were many days
in this past year, and I am sure you can all relate, that I thought I might
literally stop breathing or my heart would stop. During those times it felt like it would have
been a welcome relief. Along with this,
I know how resilient our physical bodies and our human spirits are. We are all here. We can survive those excruciating, heart
breaking times.
The last
thing that I hope you especially remember is the reason that we all
gather
here. It is because we have lost a child,
a part of ourselves, but really it is because we have loved. If we do
not love, we do not grieve. Someone brought me an invite to a baby
shower
a few days ago and it had a Winnie the Pooh quote on it “Sometimes the
smallest
things take up the most room in your heart”.
I thought this was most appropriate for how we all feel. I also loved
the quote that Melanie found to
go on our favor today. It says
“grief never
ends, but it changes, it’s a passage not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack
of faith, it is the price of love.”
I hope today
that as we read our children's names and release the balloons that we remember
the loss, but celebrate the love. "I love that she wrote grieving women are certifiable because I often feel like a truly crazy person. I lose things and forget things like I am 90 years old. I also like that she wrote about people trying to say something despite not knowing what to say. The truth is no one knows what to say and honestly I don't know how to respond when people say they are sorry. I have said thank you and sometimes I'll expound and sometimes that' all I'll say. I always get anxious when I know I am going to see someone I haven't seen since we lost Olivia because I know they are going to say something. I would be sad and upset if they said nothing at all. We are all in an awkward situation so I have tried to let things people say roll off my back because I know they mean good. I also didn't know that Heather had 2 losses. I am still astonished she never once said anything about herself in all the times we met with her or at the hospital. She truly is amazing.
After the moment of silence and all the names were read balloons were passed out to each family to release in honor of their child. I love, love, love this tradition. We did it at her funeral and we plan to do it every year on her birthday. It is so beautiful to watch the balloons literally float up towards heaven for our angels. This will be another yearly tradition for our family.
This is when Olivia's name was read.
This isn't Heather. She is another woman who works with the organization.
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