Russ and Misty Hunsaker: Mother's Day

Mother's Day. The day mother's are to be pampered and honored for their goodness and I was. I have no reason to complain. Russ went over the top and out of his way to make it a special day and weekend for me. Saturday he took me to Slurp for my favorite drink, which you may not think is a big deal but it was because he HATES waiting in lines and there is always a line. Then we went to IKEA for an organizational shelf for the toy room and to Nordstrom where he bought me some perfume I have been wanting and some yellow Toms. I knew Sunday, actual Mother's Day was going to be difficult but I had not idea how difficult that day and the next few to come would be. I felt the same way about Easter but Mother's Day was worse. Russ made me pancakes in bed then we got ready and went to the cemetery. It was cold and windy again. It is always cold and windy on Sundays when we all go together. I hate that because then I feel rushed. I want to just sit there and enjoy the sun, if there were any, and enjoy the peace I have started to feel there. I wanted a picture of me, Bryce and Olivia's grave. I just wanted a Mother's Day picture of me with my 2 babies and this was as close as I could get to that. Bryce always blows "baby O-ee-a" kisses and I love it! I do feel so blessed to be Bryce and Olivia's mother. I am so thankful for my mother, grandmothers and Russ' mother and grandmothers. We have so many wonderful examples of mothers in our lives.

Church was fine. We finally stayed the whole time. The Relief Society lesson was about being strong women in a turbulent world and we got to eat cookies. After church we drove down to Santaquin to spend the day with Russ' mom. Since most of my family lives so far away we end up there for almost all holidays. We enjoy celebrating and spending time with Russ' siblings and parents but this day was different. From the time we left the house I just wanted to stay home by myself. Sounds depressing but its the truth. Grief is ugly sometimes and that is okay. I was asked to give the blessing on the food and did my best not to cry. There was no particular reason why I was so upset except the fact that holiday's, especially one to celebrate motherhood, magnify my sadness and remind me that my baby girl is gone. I didn't talk much and counted the minutes until we could go home and I could hide in my bed. Finally we went home and Russ drew me a nice bubble bath. It was so nice and despite his best efforts I was still sad. I have learned through this process that men and women and Russ and I grieve differently. I always want to talk about how I am feeling and wear my emotions on my sleeve, where Russ keeps them more to himself. Sometimes this makes me upset because I want him to be there for me while I am sad but sometimes he just needs to step away and that is okay. Sunday night after we had a discussion about why I wasn't ready to hold our baby nephew yet, I lost it. I just had to go and be by myself. I drove to the cemetery to see Olivia. It was late and freezing so I just sat in the car and prayed. I prayed that I would be able to feel Olivia there and feel peace through all the heartache I carried all day. I looked over and saw two little birds hopping around in the grass on the opposite side of the road where her grave is. For me that was enough. I don't usually see birds playing around at night but that cold, late night I did and I knew that it was for me. I have seen those birds several times since and they remind me of the Lord's tender mercies.
Monday was no better. I still felt the deep, physical ache of sadness. I felt guilty for being sad. I don't know why. I had a long lunch that day after a patient cancelled so I took my lunch to the cemetery. I sat there for a long time and just reflected. It is times just like this that I feel the sadness and ache will never go away but now looking back I know it does. I know it comes in waves and that is okay. That day I was also able to pick up canvas prints that my hygiene school friends pitched in to buy me of Olivia's photos from the hospital. There turned out so beautiful. I love having these physical reminders of her. That evening Lauren's parents came over to bring us a gift. It was a beautiful Swaravski crystal angel holding a pink heart and a poem her dad had written. It it so perfect for Olivia. It will be her ornament on our tree every year. That night I decided it was important for me to talk to Russ a little more about how I felt. I got defensive as he told me how he felt but our conversation ended perfectly. This may sound awful but to me this is all I needed that day and will probably need for many days to come. He just held me as I sobbed and cried. I think I needed a release and this was it. My heart physically hurt and I don't think I have every cried that hard. I made the weirdest sounds but I kept saying to myself (out loud) that it was okay to be sad. I needed to tell myself this to lose the guilt. Since then I have felt so much better. I knew one day I would wake up from the numbness and I would feel this pain but I know that it will not stay. I will be sad other days and that is okay. Some days I will feel anxious and afraid and that is okay. I will continue to cry and that is okay. No, I am not depressed I just had a bad day on Mother's Day and that is okay! I still have faith and hope. I still know Olivia lives and will always be my baby. I know I will raise her but some days it seems too far distant and that is what makes me sad. I couldn't help but think of this talk as I wrote this. I love this because Elder Bowen tells it like it is when he says that you truly never get over losing a child and that you cannot feel the fullness of joy until you are reunited. I know that I will feel joy and be so happy through out my life but I will always know something is missing.

"Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also" By Elder Shayne M. Bowen

I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified.

Sometimes people will ask, “How long did it take you to get over it?” The truth is, you will never completely get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection.

“For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;

“And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.” (D&C 93:33-34)

But in the meantime, as the Savior taught, we can continue with good cheer.

I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for His comfort that comes through His plan; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Comforter, who is the Holy Ghost.

What a glorious blessing this is in our lives. Wouldn’t it be tragic if we didn’t feel great sorrow when we lose a child? How grateful I am to my Father in Heaven that He allows us to love deeply and love eternally. How grateful I am for eternal families. How grateful I am that He has revealed once again through His living prophets the glorious plan of redemption.

I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.”

(John 14:18-19)

2 Kings 6:16-17

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike- and they will- you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding, at reckless speed, to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of Heaven, in defense of Abraham' seed. " - Jeffrey R. Holland