6 months

 September 28, 2014

I have thought about what 6 months would feel like. Would Olivia be the first thought I had each day or someone I would think about every now and then. Now that the time has come and gone, I can say I'm somewhere in between. She is still on my mind daily but it isn't always a painful remembrance.  It was a difficult, yet spiritual 6 months. I never in my life leaned so heavily on the Savior. This has been my conversion. I know it's all true and I want every blessing the Lord has in store for each of his children. I am not the perfect person, far from it but I know what I want from this life and I am trying each day to attain the blessing of my eternal family. I used to think that you were either good or bad and that was that. I think it was a missionary prep class at BYU that a teacher taught; our spiritual journey is like a big bucket where we either add or take away pebbles based on our actions, or lack of. I often get down on myself thinking "how will I ever be good enough" but this analogy has helped me. I understand now that my salvation is not based on today or something I did ten years ago but through the atonement I can be good enough!

Russ and I have cried many tears over the past 6 months. We have missed our Olivia so dearly. Our lives are nothing like we imagined they would be right now but we have survived. Most days we are fine. We go about all our daily activities and fulfill our responsibilities carrying our heartache on the inside. I have often wondered through this experience what heartaches other people carry inside them. My mind always goes to that quote about being kind because you never know what someone else is going through.

I've told Russ several times our loss of Olivia was unfair.  He reminds me that life isn't fair. It was never supposed to be fair. This life is a test, a trial to prove our worthiness and love for our Savior. I feel guilty for these feelings that haunt me. I have not yet come to terms with my lack of control over my body, my life and the lives' of those I love. A dear friend, who lost a baby and is now pregnant, wrote that she has come to terms with her lack of control. It gives me hope to know that someone who has endured so much can feel that peace and one day I'm sure I will too.

People had stopped asking about Olivia but not they are starting to ask when we will have another baby. I know that each of them only means well but Russ and I both feel uncomfortable with this question. We are not currently pregnant or trying to get pregnant. We both skirt around the question because even if we were, we probably wouldn't be ready to share the news. We have so many fears and unknowns. Our next pregnancy will be scary and emotional. When, and if, we are ready to share we will. Until then we will continue loving our time with Bryce and cherishing our memories of Olivia.

These past 6 months have definitely brought healing, but not closure. I know we will never "close" this chapter of our lives because it is our life. We are continually grateful for what our experience and time with Olivia taught us. We continue to miss her and I struggle with the why? Not why did Heavenly Father do this to us. But what happened that caused her birth defect? What did I touch, breath or eat and did this. Maybe those are the same question but in time I know I will be able to let this aspect go. If I never know in this life, I will know in the next and hopefully for now that will be enough.