Bryce had a rough time sleeping last week. He woke up last Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights and wouldn't go back to sleep. One of these nights I let him lay in our bed with us. He looked up at the ceiling, pointed and said "Baby Ah-ee-uh." This gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. I know the veil is so thin for children and I hope he sees her. I hope that she is with us sometimes and watches over each of us.
I finally held my nephew. I did it because I felt like I needed to but after I did I was so glad. It was such a relief and it was nice to hold a baby. Me not holding him had absolutely nothing to do with him or his parents but with me and my sadness of losing my own baby. I was never mad at Russ for holding him and was upset that others thought that. I am thrilled that Russ loves his nieces and nephews so much! Slowly I am getting better about seeing babies. I felt better about this after talking to a friend who lost her little boy because she didn't look at her nephew (who also happens to be my nephew) for 3 years after her son died. It helped me feel less guilty about grieving in my own way and on my own time.
Work has been awkward for me sometimes. The patients don't realize it because they have no idea what has happened. The worst is when a woman comes in pregnant and due around the same time. I look at their cute bellies and think about how mine should be that big. I have had 3 patients due within days of my due date. Sometimes I just want to scream "my baby died! i should have been pregnant like you." I am not mad at them but it feels awkward almost like I want to tell them but I refuse to share my sacred story at work with people who might ask questions. It is also hard when people ask how many kids I have. I always answer one. It's automatic but while I am saying it I think of my perfect Olivia. I really have two kids but it is too much to say and have to answer questions. People finally stopped giving me the pity look and I don't want to start that again. I did have one patient I shared my story with right after I went back to work. Her son had mentioned to me that they had a baby die when he was little. Somehow the cemetery came up with his mom and I told her I knew where it was because my baby was buried there. She shared her story with me and gave me a hug. I don't plan to share her story again but it felt right in that moment.
Saturday, as we left the cemetery Russ and I talked about what is the worst way to lose a child. At first when we found out about Olivia I was offended when people compared our situation to a miscarriage. I kept thinking she is still alive and will be born alive and I will hold her until she dies. Now I have a different view of this. Each way to lose a child is the worst way. I have never had a miscarriage, had a child die due to childbirth complications or because of an accident but for each person that has gone through these things that is the worst thing that has happened to them. I think of it as "their thing." Everyone has their thing and no one should feel like their situation is easier or harder than anyone else's because no one knows the pain a parent feels after losing their child. This is why the atonement is so personal. Only Christ knows the depth of each person's pain and can hold our broken hearts together for us.
There are 5 babies in the Lehi Infant Cemetery now. Olivia was the 3rd and within the past two months 2 more babies have been laid to rest there. Two more baby girls. Each time I have seen a new baby I cry a little because I know someone else lost a child. I don't know the babies or the parents but I have a love for them I can't explain. Every time I see a car turn up towards the infant section I hope I will get to meet another parent. We haven't yet but I hope we will. We have an unspoken, special bond. I looked up one of the parents of the babies. Their names are on his headstone. I found out he was stillborn and I wrote her a comment on her blog but I haven't heard back yet. Saturday we picked up all of her Memorial Day decorations before the cemetery removed them. I don't have the heart to throw them away so they are in our garage along with her dried spray from her funeral and pink roses my mom left on her grave.
Tonight Bryce and I had dinner at the cemetery and we watched as 7 truck loads of flowers and decorations were removed from the headstones. They remove all decorations a week after Memorial Day. I was only there an hour and I am sure many more truck loads went by. It looked like a ward or two were helping the cemetery employees remove everything. I stopped one of the trucks and asked the workers if I could leave my pinwheel up and they said they wouldn't throw it away. They were so kind to me. It was nice to be treated with tenderness. They knew exactly why I was there and were so nice to let me leave my things for my baby.
Misty,
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength! You are such an incredible gal. After losing Madi I kinda climbed into a black hole for a while and hid from the world! I tried to "forget" about everything that I had been through hoping it would make the hurt go away! Unfortunately I hit rock bottom and realized trying to avoid things was not allowing me to heal and grieve the way I needed to.
You are absolutely right about how no loss is any easier than another! I used to get annoyed when people would say, oh I know how it is to lose a baby's. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Now I have such a pain and wrenching in my heart anytime I hear of anyone losing a child! No matter the circumstances. A loss is a loss! A loss is so very difficult!
The difficult times will come and go sporadically. You will find times that something randomly will trigger an outpouring of tears! But as time goes on the pain doesn't get easier! I have found that you just become stronger and learn to carry on with it.
Please know I am always here if you ever want to talk or cry! I'm an expert at both! Hahaha! Jk! Kim has my number if you ever want to talk!
Again! I admire your strength soo much and hope our little angels are buddies in heaven!
Biggest hugs angel mama!